Turd Philosophy

G'mornin', Chubbs.

This morning while taking a dump in the restroom on the thirteenth floor at my office, I realized the only graffiti in the whole bathroom is the word "Lakers" scratched into the paint of the handicap accessible stall. Now, we've all see lots of bathroom graffiti in our time, and most of it seems bad, but it's almost always a little bit interesting (I think). But "Lakers"? The least they could have done was added a "go" preceding the "Lakers" and/or an explanation point after. I had to wonder.

First of all, the offices on this floor belong to attorneys and us (real estate lenders). I don't think any of the guys here are the type to a) write graffiti in the bathroom, and b) like the Lakers, or basketball in general. I suppose there is a chance that someone's kid came to work with them and decided to proclaim their enthusiasm for the Lakers while they were taking a dump... I mean, what else could it be?

Well, I got to thinkin' about this, and as it turns out, there is a name for writing as well as the study of restroom graffiti. It's "Latrinalia".

Latrinalia exists wherever public restrooms do throughout the history of civilization. I think the psychology behind it has to have something to do with the mental juxtaposition of being simultaneously in public, and having privacy. It's that feeling of knowing you're in public, but no one can see you. I'm no head shrinker, but that's always the feeling I've had when I've contributed to the shit-house political forum.

I have always tried to be clever with my bathroom scrawlings. My point of view is that if I'm going to commit vandalism, it oughtta be worth reading. I've written "live life backwards" actually backwards on the wall adjacent to the mirror, so when you looked at it in the mirror, it could be read. I've also written various spur of the moment poems, and sometimes even snippets of famous poetry I happened to have previously committed to memory. Wow... that's sounding kind of uppity, ain't it? Who'd a thunk one could sound snobby whilst discussing instances of poop and vandalism? Leave it to me....

Anyway, I should make it known that I don't necessarily dislike the random, seemingly unimportant crude jokes or drawings of dicks or boobs. In fact, I think it's a moral imperative that, if one should enter a bathroom containing graffiti, but no one has drawn boobs, a vag or a dick, that person making note of this discrepancy is now obligated to do so, provided the person has a pen and/or marker handy.

Latrinalia is a living narrative of the people. It's poetry, art and an unofficial public forum for discussion and philosophy. Throughout history, we've been writing things on the bathroom walls, and some of it in my opinion is extremely important. In fact, I'd go so far as to say modern politicians would do well to read and take notes on all the toilet writings they encounter on the campaign trail. They'd have a much better idea of how their constituents think, and would get a firm grasp on the issues that are important to the people. Using those as a political platform, I think any politician could capture the hearts and minds of America... but that's just me.

So, the next time you find yourself taking a dump in public and you happen to have a pen, knife or marker in your pocket, do your part. Let your voice be heard, as there are doubtlessly scores of politicians reading my blog right now who will take my advice on the whole idea of basing their political platform on shit-house graffiti. Just don't write something like, "Lakers". No one will vote for a guy whose speeches revolve around Kobe and Phil. And remember, if there's no dick, boobs or vag, it's your duty to draw one of the three, even if you're Barak Obama.

Keep writing. They can't take that away from us.