Here are some jokes:

Everyone says talking on your cell phone in public is rude, but it isn't. It's only rude when you're supposed to be doing something else. Like ordering coffee, jackass. Or if you have a bluetooth earpiece, because nobody knows who you're talking to, if anyone. And it's really bad if you walk around having animated conversations and making inappropriate jokes with one of those on. Yesterday, some guy looked right at me and said, "I'm pretty sure I got gonorrhea from your mom." I almost kicked his ass until I saw that earpiece. Then I just laughed, laughed.

It's hard to talk about dogs with people, because they think they know everything. They always have some preconceived, idiotic notion about every single breed. "Don't get a Cocker Spaniel, they stink. They pee everywhere" Or, "Oh, Beagles? They don't bark, but they howl all night long." As if every Beagle ever born howls all night long, and that person knows this from personal experience. I'm going to start doing that if my friends ask about potential girlfriends. "Oh, don't get an Irish girl, they're feisty. And drunk all the time." "The Blond California Fake-Boob is a good breed, but they require lots of attention. And they need a big yard." "For your needs, I'd go with the short, dumpy Italian. They're fiscally responsible and I hear they can cook. Only problem is they've got lots of hair. It gets everywhere."

Whenever you have to pay someone for something, they always ask you how you're doing first, but they don't really want to know. So I make it a point to tell them. I was at Starbucks the other day, and they guy was like, "Hey, how's it goin', what can I get started for ya today?" And I was like, "Um, it's not going so well, actually. My wife left me for a soap opera star and I've had terrible constipation for four days. Also, my fucking toe has been killing me, man. Can you get my Amway, multilevel marketing business, and my cult started for me? Thanks."

Why do women think tall boots are sexy? They always look like wrestlers to me. Or hookers. Neither one of which denote very sexy imagry. Also, who was the idiot that thought "Juicy" was a good adjective for a nice round booty? So nice, in fact, that they should paint it across the ass of sweat pants and sell them to every 18-24 year old girl in the country? Now I think that all those women have shit stains on their thongs from being so "juicy". Gross.

Also, to they guy who added the "friends" tracking device feature to cell phones... Thanks a lot, ass hole.