Improving my idiocy

Good morning, fatso. How was your weekend?

I've been sorting through a few things... trying to prioritize my life's goals. For a while there, my main objective was to work on getting fatter, dumber and balder while growing out my handle bar mustache and refusing to wash my wife beater tank top. I'd then start a collection of half full (ever the optimist) beer cans to be kept within arm's reach at all times, so that I might throw them at my girlfriend and yell slurred profanities at seemingly random intervals. I think I might be aiming too high on that one though, as maintaining that level of suppressed rage then purposely misdirecting it on to women can be emotionally draining. I'm too lazy to be that angry.

That being said, I think I'll aspire to smoke more pot and play more video games. Although coffee and television have been good to me over the years, I find myself watching educational programming far too often. While I know that TV is helping to desensitize me, brainwash me with commercials and make me even lazier, I keep on accidentally learning things. Damn PBS! How am I ever going to reach my goals if I'm learning? I won't, that's how. Thank god Bill O'Reily is still around to insist on making Americans stupid. If not for him, I may have thought ill of some members of the Republican Party and been forced to listen to reason. Keep yelling, Bill. Your viewers need to be scolded and bullied into believing everything you are told to say.

I also contemplated going to church, but that would require socializing as well as dressing up on Sundays. No can do. Besides that, I'm not sure church makes you dumber. Using some of the prominent figures of the religious right as a barometer, I thought it would, but then I realized that lots of people go to church and still don't take away some of the core Christian principles. Blind hatred, extreme prejudice, a sense of moral superiority and entitlement, or a healthy fear of science and real life for instance. In fact, to my amazement, I've found lots of "churchy" people to be honest, kind, smart and generally pleasant company. So that's out.

Guess it's a long, difficult path of mary jane and playstation for me if I want to keep getting dumber. I just wish that pot didn't make my mind wander so much. Sometimes I actually think about things when I'm stoned. Fortunately though, I usually forget what potentially good ideas I had almost immediately. Dorito's and Tekken 5. Now there's a life with promise.