Guess what, lard ass? It's Monday.

My girlfriend is Jewish, and I'm Arabic (among other cultural ancestry), so we're genetically predisposed to hating one another. Don't worry though; those "other cultural ancestors" also had a historic reputation for hating Jews. I realize that's an ambiguous statement, as everyone has a historic reputation for hating Jews... so I maintain my mysterious edge.

The good thing about dating a Jew is that it increases my Holidays at least three fold. Too bad I hate Holidays. They're only good for one thing: taking a day off of work. I get to take Yom Kippur off. Roshishana too. And sometimes I get to wear a yarmulke, which is awesome. Especially awesome for me because you can hardly see my bald spot when I'm wearing one. Not to mention the magical powers contained within the yarmulke. Last time I put one on, I started immediately and instinctually reorganizing my finances. Then I loaned a guy some money at a really high interest rate. Score!

I'm kidding around, folks. I harbor no generalized, arbitrary hatred for any other race, color or creed... except the English. What a bunch of stuck up wankers. I was in the lobby of my office building and I started to go up the staris when some Limey bastard says, "I think I'd rather take the lift." And I'm like, "Just because you have good manners doesn't mean I'm going to carry you up the stairs, asshole." Then I realized he was talking about the elevator, but whatever... he was still an asshole.

Also, the English need to decide what exactly the word "trolley" is going to mean. You can't use it for umbrella, city bus, train, shopping cart and pants. What if you were waiting for a train while it was raining, then got splashed by a bus, but were happy to remember you had some clean pants in your shopping cart? How would you relay that? "I was waiting for the trolley beneath me trolley when I a passing trolley splashed me trolleys. Luckily I had some dry trolleys in me trolley." Get it together, man! I can't understand you!

Oh, and David Beckham is gay. Here is a list of signs indicating Beckham's gay-ness:

1) His wife is known as "Posh Spice", which is like saying "my wife's name is 'fashion flavor'"
2) He plays soccer.
3) He wears make up, and sometimes a dress.
4) He makes no effort to call his dress a "kilt".
5) He has more hairstyles than Bjork.
6) Have you ever seen anything gayer than this?



Not outside of the West Hollywood Halloween carnival, you haven't.

I'd loveto make fun of each and every ethnicity right now, but unfortunately, I don't have the time. Suffice it to say that no matter your background, you're also geneticly predisposed to jackassery.