Ugh. I'm really hung over this morning, Heavy D. Help me.

The bar is a strange and magical place. I feel like I can keep on drinkin, and nothing will happen to me. I never realize how drunk I am until I get home... then it's all gloom and doom. Last night, I was dizzy, but hanging in there just fine until I walked in my front door, then all that Pabst and whiskey sucker punched me in the stomach. Don't worry though, we walked there and back home. Sober driving is an issue I can (and do) really get behind. I mean, let's face it, if you drink and drive, you really are an asshole, and if (God willing) you get home safely, someone should hit you in the face while you're sleeping. Jack Daniels is an ass hole too. He pretends to be cool... like he's all fun and light hearted and shit, but he is not your friend, or mine. Let's not hang out with him anymore.

Even if I'm not hung over like this, I still feel like an ass after a night of hangin' out with Jack. He always turns me into a buffoon. Why then, do I insist of maintaining his friendship? Honestly, I don't even know. Last night, he was like, "I think you should tell that English girl about your fake hatred for her countrymen. She'll think that's funny." Nope. She didn't. Jack was wrong again. She spent the rest of the evening insisting to me that she was only half British. And despite my many attempts to explain the joke, it didn't sink in. Jesus those damn Limeys are a thick headed bunch of stuck up douche bags.

That's just a little humor for ya. Get it...? Because I was just complaining about the English not getting my joke about hating the English. THen I made a derogatory comment about the English, as if I really do hate them. See... it's funny because I'm contradicting myself. Y'know, like how sometimes it's funny to say the opposite of what you really mean? And sometimes, it's funny to purposely ruin a joke.

(hurl)

Anyone got an alka-seltzer?