G'mornin', gluttons. What's the buzz, cuz?

I spent a couple few years in giant, corporate coffee shops, doing every job from part time morning guy, to General Store manager. From Starbucks, to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, to Peaberry Coffee and a couple few independent, hipster laden shit holes, where before they let you in the door, they check your haircut to make sure it's trendy enough to enter. Needless to say, I have observed a thing or two about coffee, it's culture, and the people who drink it. In fact, we used to play a game of "call that drink". A game at which I had become quite efficient.

Believe it or not, your Starbucks order acts like an accessory to your outfit. Judging by your choice of clothes, the time of day you some in, the frequency of your visits and a few other variables, an experienced barista has a good chance of accurately predicting your coffee order. Here's a few popular choices, and a brief description of the people who usually order them.

Regular Coffee: No nonsense. Usually older (over 35) men order this. Most of the time, they are republicans, and they come in early in the morning on their way to work. They have their own insulated mugs which they'll ask you to rinse out with hot water before pouring the coffee. They also don't care which kind of coffee they get (light or dark), so long as it's fresh and caffeinated. There is a window for the broke democrat, or the serious-about-studying college kid though. But they'll get the drip coffee in the afternoon, sit at the shop all day, and get like 30 refills at 50 cents a pop, if not free.

Flavored latte: There are many, many variables to this drink. It's most commonly ordered with skim milk (skinny), and usually befalls the fairer sex. That's a lot of sweet cream for any self respecting man to be ingesting. The sweeter the drink, the younger broad (i.e., extra caramel, 6 pumps of vanilla, etc).

Mocha: This is for the person who does not like coffee and would rather be drinking hot chocolate, but desperately needs the caffeine. This drink, when ordered decaf, is typically done so by older women who aren't quite ready to let go and just be the crazy cat lady they are inevitably going to become. They hang around day-time coffee shops, scoping out any man they think they can get their hooks into, while pretending to read Danielle Steel novels.

Cappuccino: You're probably a noob and don't know what you're getting, but ordered this drink because you'd heard the name so frequently. You think it'll be a sweet, chunky, gluttonous American drink, but it isn't. As soon as this person picks it up, they send it back claiming it's empty. Also, for the record, baristas usually know you have no idea what you're ordering, but the individual who typically makes this mistake, is also the type of person to pretend to be offend by the idea that he's got no idea what he's ordering, and will try to make you believe otherwise. This beverage, when ordered "dry" however, is a symbol of someone who's really been around the block. They probably know more about coffee than you, and more about literature as well.

Espresso: Occasionally, this will also be ordered by mistake, given the popularity (and the the confusion) of the name. People who order this on purpose do not have time to fuck around with an entire cup of coffee. They almost always make some form of stale joke regarding a caffeine I.V., and would buy harder drugs if you were selling them.

Frozen/blended coffee drinks: If you're ordering these and you're of legal drinking age, you should consider the search for a new beverage of choice, douche. If you're a cheerleader at a local highschool, you're only dilemma is "what flavor?"

Iced coffee: You're one of the good ones. Unpretentious, but with a good idea of what you're doing in a specialty coffee shop. You probably have a french press at home, which you use from time to time. This person can also be witnessed ordering the elusive "Americano", and is probably a regular at more than one coffee shop.

Yes, there are more variations to be discussed, and a relatively detailed description can be offered about the typical orderers of those variations as well, but I think this is enough for now.

Cheerio.