Merchant/Atlas in '08!

I don't want to get up here and preach politics, Fat Ass, but things are getting complicated. Now we're bombing mud huts in Somalia? Hmm... The only place on the globe that's more unstable than Iraq (and we all know where that got us).

Now, while I despise almost all politicians (jackass and elephant), and emphatically disagree with just about everything they say or do, I don't want to start singling people out (ahem, Bush/Cheyney). And while it pains me deep in my soul to see what's happening in the Middle East (Iraq, Iran, Lebanon, Israel, Somalia) no one can just undo what's happened. Nor can we sit here in our comfortably air conditioned office buildings, or quaint little country bungalows pretending that nothings happening about which intelligent and decent people should be concerned. We are at war, and as heart breaking as that is, there's no going back. We've got to find a solution, and just about everything our current leaders (demos and repubs alike) have done has failed miserably thus far. I'm afraid for the future of America, the country I dearly love. I think there's only one thing to do. Elect Larry Merchant as President.

Larry Merchant knows fighting. Not only that, but he's well connected, well spoken and has the stones to bust through a post fight melee in a ring, walk up to a 250lb pugilist who's just proven that he can single handedly beat up anyone in the world, stick a mic in the face of said pug and call him a bum. He's belligerent at times, but no one can argue with him. He'll always tell you like it is. Larry Merchant never lies, and he has no fear. Once, while discussing George Foreman's incredible feat of becoming the oldest man to win a Heavyweight Championship at age 45, Jim Lampley said, "It's one of the greatest performances in sports history. Some people compare it to Jack Nicholas winning the Masters at age 46." To which Larry responded (quite appropriately, if you ask me), "Say what you may, Jim, but no one was punching Jack Nicholas in the face when he won the Masters!"

Larry's running mate (VP) could be Teddy Atlas... the ex fighter who sounds like he might be retarded, but then shocks listeners with insightful, well composed commentary. That's another guy who knows how to win a fight. Also, Teddy can beat your ass. I promise. It's said that he once held a gun to a young Mike Tyson's head (whom Atlas trained in the early years under Cus D'Amato) when Iron Mike made an unwelcome pass at a female relative of Teddy's. Atlas also is credited with predicting Tyson's downfall due to his personal conduct and jackassery. Teddy knew that acting a fool would bring about the merciless ass whupin' Tyson received at the hands of Buster Douglas, and continued to receive by every notable fighter hence.

Larry Merchant, as noted above, is known to be belligerent at times, and this will not do if he is to become president. Also, he tends to ride Manny Pacquiao's nuts a little too much (in my personal opinion). Fortunately though, he can hire Burt Sugar to be his first advisor. Burt Sugar may be the only man with not only the stones, but also the knowledge and ability to wax poetic to put Larry in check when he gets outta hand. Burt's got sand in his craw enough to make Merchant listen up.

Now, once we all go vote for Merchant/Atlas in '08, they can appoint some of their peeps (I believe that's the most grammatically appropriate term for them) to other cabinet positions. Emanuel Stewart as Secretary of Defense, for instance. I'm telling you right now, there is no one better. All anyone needs to do is listen to Emanuel Stewart, and he'll tell you how to win a fight, no matter the circumstance. I'll bet if we called him right now, he'd have a better Strategy for Iraq.

Do I even need to mention who'd make the best Secretary of the Treasury? You guessed it. Don King. Oh c'mon, you and I both know that Don King is no less villainous or ruthless than any of the old white politicians who currently handle our nations finances. Besides that, who (other than those guys previously mentioned) is going to fuck with Don King? No one, that's who.

George Foreman can fit in there too. I'd like to see him as Press Secretary. Here's an example of his natural talent for diverting the nation's attention. In 1997, he fought Shannon Briggs, a big, hard hitting heavyweight. Foreman was 48 years old at the time (though closer to 49), and proceeded to beat Briggs' 26 year old ass for at least 8 out of 12 rounds. When the fight was over, however, the judges gave the fight to Briggs. Amongst a thunderous chorus of boos from the crowd, Larry Merchant shoves his way through the ring to stick a mic in Foreman's face. Larry asked him if he was upset about the decision, since it'd been clear to everyone watching that Foreman was easily the winner. (paraphrasing) "He's a young guy, Larry, and I'm old and gettin' ready to retire. He needs it a lot more than I do. I ain't mad. By the way, I'm 48 years old, and I feel great after 12 rounds of boxing. You know how I stay in such good shape? By usin' the George Foreman Grill every morning..." At this point, Merchant interrupts, saying something like, "George, can we talk about the fight?" To which Foreman responded, "I GOT to sell my grill, Larry!" Now, if that doesn't demonstrate a natural ability to get people to ignore an 800 pound gorilla in the room, I don't know what is; and isn't that the job of the Press Secretary? I think so.

There's more to mention here, like appointing some boxing judges to the Supreme Court. I mean, as long as we're calling things how they are, boxing judges are no more crooked than some of those who are Justices right now. And, at least we'd know that rather than pretend it ain't so like we do today.

Look, if we're in a fight, and we're losing, we need to take action. If we keep losing rounds, we'll need a knockout to win. Those boxing personalities mentioned above would clean up the face of modern American politics. Wow! You know things are bad when it's up to BOXING personalities to clean up politics, but at least the corruption in the boxing world is blatant and on the table. No one tries to hide from it or deny it. Sadly, that's WAY more honest than just about anyone in Washington right now. I like my coffee black and my corruption apparent. That's how I roll.

Merchant/Atlas in '08!