I wish I could be a money grubber by trade, but the occupation does not befall me. It's not that I can't handle money, but the grubbing cramps my style. Grubbing anyting (but especially money) can be hard work and usually requires years of training. No, no, I lean naturally toward bullshitting, punctuality and mediating arguments. That means I'm good at selling nothing. By that I mean, if you have a whole lot of nothing, and you can't sell it, you should call call me. I'll sell your nothing for you, at prices way above current blue-book values, turning a nice profit for both of us.

How does one sell nothing? Easily. Make the potential buyer think they're buying something. Like "service and expertise" for instance. Lots of people want to buy that. What kind of service and/or expertise? It doesn't matter. What you're really saying is, "For a nominal fee, I'll make three phone calls per month on your behalf." And, if you're really clever, you have a clause in your contract that indicates possible extra charges should the phone calls become excessive (more than three).

I can hear you saying, "What if someone finds out you're not an expert of anything, and they call you on it?" Not to worry. Simply agree with them that you're not an expert on whatever it is that's upsetting them, then suggest they hire one. In fact, tell them you know of just the right expert, and for an additional fee, you'll hire said expert on your clients behalf, getting them a bulk rate discount.

Suppose they realize they haven't bought anything, and are paying you for nothing. Ha! That's laughable! Of course they'll never think that, because they're also too busy selling (and buying) nothing. The thought will never occur to them, because they think they actually have something. That's what makes the trick so easy. Sure you know you're selling nothing, but everyone wants so badly to believe it's something. They'll never question it, because if they do, they'll be questioning themselves, and that, friends, would not be acceptable.

Still at the end of a hard day of selling nothing, someone still write me a check. A check to show they're appreciation to me for getting rid of all that nothing, which can really start to clutter up... uh... whatever you're keeping your nothing in (warehouses, offices, bank accounts, garages etc).

If you've got nothing to sell, call me right away. My services are in high demand, so these deals won't last. Remember, you're nothing if not for nothing.

Good morning, Fatty.

I know I've mentioned before that I hate commercials and advertising. They tell idiotic lies, and even if we (as individuals) don't believe their lies, we sure as shit don't say anything. Is no one else offended? Haven't they insulted our intelligence enough?

When I was but a wee lad (think 5th grade or so), I could not get past a certain conundrum that I kept seeing in commercials. They would always say things like, "Come by our After Christmas sale and save big on all merchandise!" Or, "You can save up to $200 a month at Worthington Ford's year end sales extravaganza!" This to me seemed like the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. I felt like they might as well say, "The easiest way to lose weight is to get really fat!" And we're not only expected to believe this nonsense, but to go out and do it.

I had to ask my mom. "Mom," I said, "How can you be saving money if you're spending it? That doesn't make sense." And she explained that by "save" they were referring to the amount off of the regular price, so if you were to buy at an inopportune time, you'd pay more... etc, etc. Well, as much as I love my mom, and trusted that she was right, it still didn't make sense to me. Why didn't they just say what they mean?

To this day I hate to hear some jackass telling me that if I spend $30,000 on a car, I'm saving money. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and it makes my blood boil.

Now... I'm not usually one of those conspiracy theorists who read way to far into things, but there's one commercial out there which I think is blatant in it's bigotry and innuendos. Watch this:



Does anyone else see a problem here? Let me tell you why this commercial makes me feel dirty.

First, the commercial begins with white people building a fence while another white guy (John Cugar Melancamp) sings proudly, "This is our Country!" As if to say, "This isn't your Country, Mexicans!" And, as we all know, building that dumb ass fence along the border is and has been a hot button political issue.

The commercial fades in and out of different eras in American History (not specifically, but that's what is implied). All the people are white. The fence is the image running through all eras as if they're implying that we've always wanted to keep Mexicans out of America, even though large parts of the Southwestern states used to belong to Mexico, hence the great white trash capitol of "New Mexico".

Also, notice the name of the ranch the guy at the end drives away from. The "KK Ranch". Think I'm kidding? Watch it again. I know what you're thinking, 'cause I am too. "What?! These crackers are so dumb they actually misspelled 'KKK'!" Sadly though, I don't think it was a simple mis spelling. I think they actually meant to fool us. As if they removed one of the K's from a commercial that is obviously anti-immigration and carries heavy, blatant racist undertones, that we might not notice, and certainly wouldn't put 2 and 2 together.

I dunno... maybe I am reading too much into it, but never the less, I can't watch that commercial without cringing and feeling embarrassed.

I'll stop there for now, as this subject can keep me going for hours. Please keep a clear head while watching television, especially commercials. The best thing we can do to overcome something like this is to govern our own thoughts. Just don't buy into it. Our Country, without fences, without racism, without politics bleeding into the media and trying to brainwash us... trying to keep us docile and controllable... Our Country, without shit like this would be a better place.