I wish I could be a money grubber by trade, but the occupation does not befall me. It's not that I can't handle money, but the grubbing cramps my style. Grubbing anyting (but especially money) can be hard work and usually requires years of training. No, no, I lean naturally toward bullshitting, punctuality and mediating arguments. That means I'm good at selling nothing. By that I mean, if you have a whole lot of nothing, and you can't sell it, you should call call me. I'll sell your nothing for you, at prices way above current blue-book values, turning a nice profit for both of us.

How does one sell nothing? Easily. Make the potential buyer think they're buying something. Like "service and expertise" for instance. Lots of people want to buy that. What kind of service and/or expertise? It doesn't matter. What you're really saying is, "For a nominal fee, I'll make three phone calls per month on your behalf." And, if you're really clever, you have a clause in your contract that indicates possible extra charges should the phone calls become excessive (more than three).

I can hear you saying, "What if someone finds out you're not an expert of anything, and they call you on it?" Not to worry. Simply agree with them that you're not an expert on whatever it is that's upsetting them, then suggest they hire one. In fact, tell them you know of just the right expert, and for an additional fee, you'll hire said expert on your clients behalf, getting them a bulk rate discount.

Suppose they realize they haven't bought anything, and are paying you for nothing. Ha! That's laughable! Of course they'll never think that, because they're also too busy selling (and buying) nothing. The thought will never occur to them, because they think they actually have something. That's what makes the trick so easy. Sure you know you're selling nothing, but everyone wants so badly to believe it's something. They'll never question it, because if they do, they'll be questioning themselves, and that, friends, would not be acceptable.

Still at the end of a hard day of selling nothing, someone still write me a check. A check to show they're appreciation to me for getting rid of all that nothing, which can really start to clutter up... uh... whatever you're keeping your nothing in (warehouses, offices, bank accounts, garages etc).

If you've got nothing to sell, call me right away. My services are in high demand, so these deals won't last. Remember, you're nothing if not for nothing.

Mike MacDonald from Rude Buddha was there...

This weekend my cousin was in town. He's a good guy, that one, and he loves to mix things up. Stir the pot a little bit.

Whenever someone comes to LA for the first time, the host (that would be me in this for instance) is under the unspoken obligation to play "tour guide" to an extent. Fortunately for me, I live right on Hollywood Blvd, so a liesurely stroll down to the Walk of Fame is always in order. After that, being in Hollywood, the next stop is usually the Sunset Strip.

Now, the Strip is a place I generally avoid at almost any cost. Driving through it is one thing, but actually getting out of the car and spending time down there is quite another. My cousin is the kind of guy though, who would really thrive in a place like that. A sea of young, beautiful idiots. Oh yes, that's a playground for a guy like him.

My brother Jake, his girlfrined Heather and I hopped a cab and took our kin folk down to the Saddle Ranch. You know, that crazy bar with the mechanical bull? Yeah. Anyway my cousin had a plan, which we excecuted at least ten times that evening, and which turned out to be a hell of a lot of fun.

He'd find a group of two or more cute girls, then cassually stroll over there to order his drink. After a few minutes, I'd then walk over as if just passing by, and as I did, I'd do a double take on my cuz. "Excuse me," I'd say, "Are you Mike MacDonald from Rude Buddha?" He'd act flattered and a little coy before admitting to being the one and only. I'd then ask for a quick autograph, and my cousin the fake celebrity would be happy to oblige. Unfortunately, he didn't have a pen. Uh oh. Neither did I. Well, maybe this group of hot girls has one? Sure enough, I'd get a quick signature, then proclaim my admiration for his music one more time, and I'd be on my way. I could hear twitterpated girls giggling and asking him to sign their arms, napkins and other various keepsakes.

This racket worked like a charm. There were a couple of times I'd ask some girls to take a quick photo of me with him, and hand them my phone. Then, inevitably, they'd all want a pic with him too. It'll be great for myspace!

Nothing came of this scam, except a rockin' good time. That's the way I like it. No harm done, just funnin' with people. That's all. There were no hurt feelings, and no one lost or gained anything, really. That's my kind of yarn. Spreading love through the telling of a little white lie. A lie that we wanted to tell, and most people wanted to hear.

Hi Bitch Tits! Are you losing weight? Oh. It doesn't look like it, I just said that to rub it in.

So I've been working with a company recently called Ownit Mortgage Solutions, trying to get some of their turn downs. I met with the owner twice, and things seemed to be going well, though he didn't really send anything my way. Well, I opened the business section of the LA Times yesterday, and to my surprise, saw a huge article about Ownit explaining how they went belly up in a hurry. They went into the toilet so fast, and so severely in fact, that they can't even pay their employees. Wow. Guess I'm not the only grifter in this business.

Speaking of grifting, I've been thinking of starting a weekly Video Blog, or "vlog" in addition to this one. Any of you computer savvy butt nuggets out there have any advice on that? I mean, my ideer was to shoot it on a reg'ler digital camera I have, then edit it in iMovie. I could then upload it to Youtube, and post it here, right? I have however seen other people forego youtube, and post their videos directly on to their sites. Is this a better option? Why? Does anyone know how to do that? Oh, c'mon, don't get all upset because I called you a butt nugget. I was only kiddin'... fuckin' douche nozzle.

Vlogging might be fun. I once took the ol' camera out on a late night Hollywood romp with Lexi, and who should jump out of a van to scold me for filming a passed out bum? Ghost Face Killa of the Wu Tang Clan, Theodor Unit, that's who. At first, I didn't believe it was him, but when I asked for confirmation, he opened his jacket displaying and extensive collection of ridiculous bling. I was momentarily blinded by the street lights bouncing off his insanely gawdy ice. Had Mr. T not pimpped out Nancy Reagan in his younger days, I'm certain he'd be jealous.

Anyway, your thoughts would be much appreciated. I'll try to get another sumpin' sumpin' up here later on. Until then, keep on keepin' on. Send me your ideers and advice. I'm lookin' at you, Nitz, Riz and J-Bo. Butt holes.

Kisses!

Kory