Valentine Schmalentine?

Should I say something about Valentine's Day? OK, but I warn you... it may not be all kisses and roses.

The History of this Holiday has something in common with Halloween and Christmas in that it was a pagan Holiday that the Christian Church decided was too decadent, but couldn't be prevented, so they did what they'd always done before; paint it with a sloppy coat of Christianity and pretend they invented it.

The month of February was always a sexy month. Roman Pagans had a ritual during this time in which they'd place the names of all the eligible young ladies into a giant bowl. Their eligible young male counterparts would then draw a name from the dish, and that young lady would be assigned as his "plaything" of sorts for the rest of the year. Freaky naughty.

As the Christian church came into power, they obviously wanted to put the kibosh on this celebration (I know, using a Yiddish word to describe Christian actions... what's next?!) as it was much too sexy to be allowed. So they came up with a story that is probably only partially true, and substituted that as the reason for a celebration. One that was much more wholesome.

As the Church's story goes, Emperor Claudius II, a Roman douche bag of the third century decided that unmarried men made for better soldiers. He then literally outlawed marriage in his Kingdom. Valentine, a Catholic Priest, defied Claudius and performed marriages for young lovers in secret. Then some other douche bag told on him. He was locked up and sentenced to death. During his time in prison, he was tended to by the jailer's blind daughter, who Valentine is said to have fallen in love with. On the morning of his death, he wrote her a letter (I know, how can a blind person read a letter, right?), and signed it, "Your Valentine".

It wasn't until 300 years after Valentine's death that he was sainted and martyred. They sainted him so that the Holiday would seem like a good ol' Jesus lovin', God fearin', sex free ho-down of mushy emotions. This went on for quite a while.

Then along came a capitalist swine who turned the holiday into the same old free-for-all of blind consumerism that it is today with the inception of sending cards and candy. Yay for capitalism! See? It's true we'll buy anything for a couple of bucks, even shitty poetry and pictures of strangers on greeting cards.

That's not to say that I hate the idea of Valentine's Day. It is, at it's source, quite romantic. I just get my panties in a bunch over it because a) it's cheap and b) I don't need society reminding me that I should love my girlfriend, and certainly not by giving her food that will make her fat, corny ass cards, or flowers that will die in a week and then be thrown out. I'm all for celebrating love, but I don't need to be reminded every five seconds, everywhere I look. I also don't like advertisers trying to make me feel guilty, or insinuating that girls only love you if you give them diamonds or other lavish gifts that represent a made up story of wholesome love. Besides that, we should be doing special things for the people we love all the time. Who needs a holiday reminding them to do it only once a year?

Say what you may about my being a cynic, but I'll tell you this much, if we celebrated differently, Valentines Day would be among my favorite Holidays. If it was more about love and sex than about diamonds and chocolate, I'd be all over it. If we could celebrate love and affection, guilt free in all it's confusing forms, I'd be in hog heaven. Instead it's just another day in which people feel bad about being broke, single, or married and not getting laid.

Love is the greatest and most powerful of all emotions, but that doesn't mean it makes sense. It can't be confined to one day in February, and there is absolutely nothing Hallmark can do to help anyone understand it. It should be celebrated in it's purest form. So I say to you, if you want to do something special for your lover today, look deep within yourself, allow yourself to be creative and free, and then let your lover know how you love them and why. By yourself. It's not that hard. Just do it. Other than that, I hope you all get lucky today. And by that I mean, I hope you all have sweet, rowdy, uninhibited sex with the person you love and lust after.

High Five!

Being a young, middle class white American male is really tough, man. Everything I say is racist and insensitive. Goddamn minos. I just invented that slur for all recognized "minority" groups in the world (psst... that means any human being on earth, as well as a few animal species).

Everyone has stereotypes and prejudices, and sometimes they're funny, but you can't always say so. Unless whoever you're laughing at is a middle class white American guy. Everyone can make fun them, whenever or where ever they please. That's ok by me, but the thing of it is, I can't really make fun of anyone else. Ever. Or, if I do, it has to be in the the most light hearted, unoffensive way possible. It's true I sometimes walk around in public in a blue blazer and tie, whistling Perry Como tunes and being extraordinarily polite to people. I even make it a point to over-enunciate, just for humorous effect. It's hilarious because there are times when I'm a living, breathing stereotype. In fact, I dare anyone not to laugh and point if I actually do try to dance (which I only do after copious amounts of Pabst Blue Ribbon). There are few things that can generate such a resounding chorus of instant laughter and merrymaking at the expense of another. Of course, I feel guilty for getting a chuckle out of a Mexican dude in a truck that's horn plays a snippet of "La Cucaracha" and the back window is a giant Jesus sticker. And God forbid I admit to thinking a Jerry Curl is a hilarious hair style, or laugh myself to tears at the latest Baliwood show-stopping musical numbers while checking out some "Namaste America".

If only I could be a real minority, I'd be given the "Carlos Mencia Get out of Jail Free Card". That is to say, because he's a Mexican guy, it's ok for him make fun of his own people. It's also ok for him to tease all other recognized minority groups, weather or not he's a card carrier (i.e. handicapped people, fat people, gays or any ethnic group). I wish I had that card too. I want to spread the love. Even my having a gay mom and members of my immediate family of every race color and creed does not grant me access to this magical well of hilarity. Unfortunately, I can only make fun of myself; and that's no fun at all because everyone's already doing it for me. I don't want to steal their jokes, so I just make fun of the British.

Think of that combination of words without a negative connotation for a moment. Make and Fun. Sounds like a party I'd go to, I don't know about you...

Laughing is a good thing. Violence and hatred on the other hand, are wiggita wiggita wack. I say let's laugh at each other. Let's laugh together, and instead of throwing stones at one another, throw them at Bill O'Riley. He's the real douche. A kind of person who does hate, and is therefore incapable of seeing humor in trunk jewelery. He doesn't know why Perry Como is funny. The bass line of a Mexican polka or corrido does not crack him up. Neither does a Jewish guy haggling over one lemon at the grocery store. Instead, all of these are "offensive". All of these piss him off, and now we're not allowed to laugh at them. What a cock gobbler.

It shows progress when we can all make fun of each other. Equally.