Party like a President. Buy a mattress.

Happy President's Day, everyone! Woo-hoo! The holiday to beat all holidays!

Yeah, we, like most Americans will be celebrating big today. We've got a party planned, and everyone going will be dressed like a president or a First Lady. I'm gonna be Grant so I can drink a fifth of whiskey by noon and people will just think I'm getting into character, though usually I'm Ford because of my namesake. The coke dealer will be George W. Bush, of course, while the reefer man/pimp will be Clinton.

Although the Superbowl is said to have the most commercials, we that celebrate President's Day as it should be celebrated know that the best commercials are this week. I mean, what other time of year can you see ads for these prices on mattresses, cars, home appliances or satellite TV? Wow... I'm getting worked up just thinking about it! We will be playing "Blow-out Bingo". The bingo cards have different products on them, and whenever a commercial selling one of the products refers to their sale as a "Blow Out", you get that square. The prize is the money you'll save if you go to the store and buy one of the products at the blow out sale. And you can have an extra can of red, white or blue silly string from left over gift baskets at the end of the night.

Anyway, too bad it's raining. Here in sunny Los Angeles, we usually hold a "First Lady Wet T-shirt Contest"... weather permitting. Oh well. I think Nixon has rented the mud wrestling pit, so Jackie O and Hillary can get it on any way. Judging the event will be Honest Abe, Reagan and Jefferson. Jefferson is of course partial to black chicks, but since everyone has to dress up like a different President or First Lady, none of my black friends ever show up, so I don't wanna hear anything about his unfair judging. Goddamn honkeys.

Come to think of it, This year, we're letting the "'08 hopefuls" in. That way Gun can be Giuliani and Riz can be Kucinich. If any of my black friends do want to come, you can all be Obama. Oh.. there's just one catch, opposing hopefuls have to mud wrestle in their speedos when the First Ladies are finished. That being said, yes, J-Bo, you can be McCain. And yes, that means you get to mud wrestle everyone. No post-match spooning though.

The last thing to mention about the President's Day party is that we are reserving a spot for two foreign presidents this year. Those are Putin and Ahmadinijad. Yeah!

So come on over this evening. Monday night is the best night to party like a President! There will be lemonade and Chex mix. BYOB.