Check this out, yo.



Word.

Nothing. Go away.

Sometimes, making a promise to yourself doesn't count unless you say it out loud. If you don't you'll start negotiating with yourself. "Well, ok, not every day. How about every day that you aren't hung over?" Or, "I already do something kind of similar to that every day, so I only need to do this 3 times a week." Whatever. All I know is that my subconscious mind must have learned how to negotiate from one of those tough money hungry business men with whom I've been working for that last 6 years, 'cause I drive a hard bargain with myself. I don't have a problem exploiting myself either. If I see myself getting some resolve, I'll fuckin' cut myself down to drown my own ambition and keep myself under my thumb. I don't care. Jesus, I'm a dick to me.

Anyway I have this idea to take notes on everything. As if I'm trying to learn about my own life. I want to carry a small notebook everywhere. Every good Idea I get, write it down. Every time something funny happens, write it down. Every time I get inspired, write it down. It doesn't have to be detailed, just enough to stir the ol' memory. And it can be about anything.

I'll also have a bigger notebook that lives right by my bed. I'll set my alarm for a half an hour earlier every mornin'. When Warren Alney starts to blather on about the happenings of the world on "Morning Edition", I'll reach over and pick up the little notebook that comes with me everywhere I go, and the big notebook that lives beside my bed. Then I'll write up a report summarizing all the notes I took for the previous day. It won't have to be good. It won't even have to make sense. What it will be though is a notebook full of ideas. Ones that I thought, at some point miht turn out good. Sure, it'll take some work, and most of the things that I write down will be in fact, stupid ideas, but at least they'll be there.

The thing I'll have to keep in mind is that starting out, I'm going to suck at this. It's a good thing I'm a mean self boss and a wimpering, spineless self-employee. Other wise I might quit my pretend shitty job as a self absorbed writer.

Anyway I'm not only saying it out loud, I'm writing it down and making it accessible to anyone with an internet connection. That way, it'll be easy for all y'all haters to produce evidence that corroborates the claim, "Kory's a douche." And the subsequent conclusion, "Let's all make fun of him." Just to let you know I'm serious about this shit. And also to warn anyone I might interact with on a daily basis: I'll be writing a lot of things down in the next couple months. Most of the things I write down will be making fun of you. Keep that in mind. No, you can't read it. Hope that hater-ade is going down nice and smooth.

I know this is pretty shameless self promotion, but that's ok. I have some footage of some other really good poets from the festival, but one never knows how an artist will react to having their work plastered all over the internet by some douche who can't seem to compress a video file well enough to get a clear picture on to youtube.

That being said, check this out:

Yes, it’s been quite a long time. I know, I’m a douche.

In the time I've been away, I got shit canned from a totally sweet sales job and was put in the position of having to take a “real” job which is probably twice the work and half the pay. And just so you know, (I feel obligated to defend myself here), it wasn’t my performance that got me shit canned from my awesome sales job at Argus. It was the job itself that was eliminated. I in fact, produced more than the desired results but the thing of it is, the deals I put on the table weren’t closing. So I ended up giving them a lot of work which they didn’t make any money on. That thar 's jist bad bidness, so the axe done fell. Fuck.

In other news, I came across this on the internet a couple of days ago:

N = C + {fb(cm) . fb(tc)} + fb(Ts) + fc . ta

You guessed it! It’s a scientific formula for the perfect bacon sandwich! Don't believe me? You can read about it here Just what cutting edge science out to be doing, right? And to think, all this time I thought scientists were supposed to be researching how to cure horrible diseases and other ways to benefit all mankind. Go figure.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the idea of a scientifically calculated bacon sandwich, (sounds delicious!), it’s just that it seems a little foolish to have launched that kind of a study when there are little things like Malaria running amok all over the world. Also, it’s still true that there is no known cure for the common cold. Believe it or not, there are one or two deathly diseases I’m leaving out too... or so I hear.

Justin Bobo has clamitia.

Finally, I should probably advise people visiting Hollywood not to go to jail, if they can help it. I know it sounds like fun, but it's not. Seriously. Last night I spent the night there, on an all expense paid (by my brother bailing me out) trip. Hey, it only cost $2700 for a seemingly endless night of pure misery, complete with other patrons introducing themselves with a Gang name, followed by a set the way whitey often introduces himself with a Christian name, followed by a company. Oh, and it's really cool that the tiolets are just bolted to the wall next to the bunks, right in front of the window. That way, when Juan Deez, (South Side) wants to carry on a conversation whilst taking a dump, it's way less awkward.

Melly Bobo still pees her pants sometimes.

Going out of town tomorrow. Taking the train to the mountains. The continental divide.

24 hours on a steel rail oughtta be enough of a spiritual massage to work out the knots of tension in my soul. Maybe.

I'll go to the top of the mountain, read some poems, and then come back to Hollywood to start working for about half of what I'm worth (as far as a reg'ler paycheck is concerned). Upward mobility not withstanding.

Mystery train. Take me away.

Hopefully I'll come back with a good story and some decent footage. We'll see.

Until then, Walk the Beauty Way.

Video Blog.

lease be patient. They'll get better.

Every Friday? I hope so, kids. I truly do.

Master Gardener, Master Geek.

Back in the day, Riz and I used to watch "Jerry Baker, America's Master Gardener" on PBS. Now, you may be wondering what a couple of high school kids were doing watching a show about gardening while taking bong rips from a home made 6 foot bong, but what you fail to realize is just how hilarious this guy actually is. One need only browse through an article like this, to get a chuckle at how serious people are taking gardening geek.

For those of you who find that article too boring to endure (it is), let me just point out a few highlights. It starts off with this: "Baker, the star of gardening videos and the Public Broadcasting System, advises people to douse their yards with special 'tonics' made from chewing tobacco, human urine, birth control pills, mouthwash, molasses, detergent and beer. 'Everything you need is in your kitchen and medicine cabinet,' declares Baker, who calls himself 'America's Master Gardener.'"

Ha ha! Really? Everybody keeps human urine in their medicine cabinet? When you watch the show though, it gets even weirder. Seriously. At one point, Riz and I called our local PBS affiliate while watching Jerry Baker and threatened to sue them, because he was stealing and broadcasting our secret recipe for LSD; as evidenced by his professional history. Even this article tells us, "Jerry Baker, 68, began his career in the late 1950s as a Detroit undercover cop, investigating heroin and marijuana rings." Wow... so that's where he's getting these recipes!

The other hilarious thing is that there are geeks who are not only upset about Jerry's ridiculous concoctions, but they're upset about the name he trademarked, "America's Master Gardener". The above referenced article says, "In addition, state and federal agricultural agents are angry that he trademarked the term "America's Master Gardener" in 1994, causing widespread confusion with the U.S. Agriculture Department's own master gardener program, which has provided rigorous scientific training to more than 100,000 lay people since 1971."

What? First of all, this has the makings of one sweet ass "Nerd-Fight"! Secondly, just how in the hell could Jerry Baker, the douche cause "widespread confusion" amongst the more legitimate "Master Gardeners" of the world? That's like saying, "Dr. Dre is causing widespread confusion amongst the country's legitimate medical professionals". Jeeze.

Ah... the joys of watching nerds. It is programs like this, along side of truly excellent and prestigious scientific programming which PBS is known for that make it irresistible. It truly is the best in television, as far as I'm concerned. You can learn something and laugh at the same time. Who'd a thunk?

Anyway, sorry I couldn't find any videos of him. I couldn't find any good ones of Huell Howser either. He's another one of my favorite PBS personalities, and he's too fucking hysterical to pass up. I gotta learn how to snag clips from TV and upload them to youtube. Word.